Nothing matters

Just yesterday we were having this discussion on how nothing really matters. What you do in college, rather how much you fight for marks doesn't matter. Obviously there is the thought that maybe should have studied, a little atleast. But then, there is no point proceeding further in that direction. After a while, it is your abilities which will take you where you belong to.
In a better thinking process now. It did a lot of good. gave the intended visibility, the independence, learn a lot of new things etc. I don't think that kind of an environment will be provided again for a while now. I was here, responsible for whatever I wrote and no one else. The transition was to happen anyways. But the disheartening part is that you never would know how good or bad you were, so that you could improve. But you can't help such things sometimes.

Arbit

Text found in different word documents in the comp.

Maybe i do think a loot. And I still don't like to be thought of to be what I am not. Infuriates me, which goes off as smoke once I have told my opinion. :) Now, I don’t know if it’s a good thing. And when some have a wrong opinion of you, on a positive side, you tend to do just the opposite, without realizing. They expect you to be smart and all that, so you be extra dumb. I don't do it consciously, but I do that all the same.

I need to go for some anger management course. To control my temper and also to show my anger on the person guilty, rather than direct it towards myself.

Sometimes it is so difficult to decide if the decision you made was right or not. Unfortunately, in matters related to the mind, no amount of experience, prior data becomes useful and the situation of applying differentiation nil. It might happen that the decision is right but the consequences not so.

Of late, I have realised that sometimes I have taken the wrong wrong decisions and stopped being obstreperous about the same. When people who didn't matter were at a higher rung in the ladder of the importance. Then some more decisions and you begin to doubt the stability of your own mind. Life as I told before never stops to surprise you. When you think its all over, you start hoping again, against hope for good things. But sometimes they do pop up, outa nowhere.

Why is this big question mark over everything? Where does the life of a techie end? With respect to the code written, what does it offer? Will it result in boredom after a while with the too monotonous a schedule? How challenging will it be? The path just got a little longer for me, thats all.
Now, on the other side, there are the b schools. Getting there is difficult. But is the life after that really worth the trouble? The hectic schedule and the chaos associated. Some love it and I admire them for it.

FY08

Sudhir's sudden appearance and telling that I would be moving on the 1st of August i.e the FY09 got me down the memory lane. What an year it has been! Eventful wouldn't quite justify it. The doctor, the convocation- I wasn't keen on attending, trust gone, the house- all add up to the things in the past. But it started some new journeys for the future.

Getting back to office after a long break had been seen with a lot of apprehension and the first three days of training was just proving it. Then came the team allocation. It had all been dreary when the mood was already in the dumps. 'Par kehte hain na, Jo hota hain acche ke liye hota hain.. saheen kehte hain'. Life has taken a turn, it might not be completely attributed to this, but good things have happened.

The house had done a lot of harm with regard to miscommunication with old friends. But even that could be seen in good light. The house got me new friends as cabmates and the team something more. The cab was fun, the long philosophical chats about nothing at al, the different eat outs, getting out in the same Intuit t shirt. It was fun. I was happy enough to get angry with them.

Been part of two wonderful teams. It might be seen as one of the quietest over here, but really nice people. I say this even when I don’t have to, just for the sake of better reviews for the teammates. Purely official!!! And foosball, I just love playing it with this team.:)

Sans the office now. Got my priorities right somewhere at least. What a mess, it was. And how much patience I demanded from everyone! The art of living lessons, then the wanting to stay alone for a while, this year had everything. And it has been good. Got stronger and more mature, to the extent that sometimes I am mellowed. And all the trips, with Pune still pending. Finally went to Ooty and Hyderabad. Of course, Skandagiri, nandi and places in Bangalore. Of course, the new look J

Have dreams and hopes once again. Less of a narcissist now, loving everything.

What generation is it?

Time of gimmicks. Bad publicity is also publicity!!!!
94.3 is now the radio for the move on generation. One of the channels to play Hindi as well. Before being the 'move on' radio, it was for the phata-phat generation. So two RJs 'fell in love' phataphat. That was the topic of discussion in all shows. What gifts he gave her, where they went etc etc. Suddenly today it changes the tagline. And guess what, the same people aren't a couple anymore. How cheap can you get? Like arbaaz and malaika forging a breakup for some reality show. Thats a bad thing to bring a relation between people to the forefront just to increase the ratings.
Maybe life in a metro doesn't run on emotions, which makes sense sometimes. Prevents a lot of tears, on people not worth it. But I am happy being in a metro and highly senti about somethings. There are times, I get the priorities completely messed up, but am learning. A teenager makes mistakes. Not completely an optimist, there are times when my mood was in the pits, when everything seems to be against you, all connected events. But how can I forget the rest when I was flying without any drugs? When I laugh like I am on vodka? I still have hopes on the metro and everything else:)

What?

Expectations can be so subtle. Having confidence on something that is to happen in the future is actually expectations in the highest form. :D It is a different thing that you wouldn't wanna acknowledge the same. Damn, sometimes I get so conscious that I feel I am writing a letter, rather than blog, which was just to be a window to my mind. Wandered too far from the topic. I donot know how much of the window I should keep open. It is so difficult to decide. Expectations hurt, to say the least. Attitude and expectations are related in the same subtle way. You need to show attitude that there aren't any expectations and make sure that others do. Sometimes, it might be difficult due to the usual constraints. And I cannot show actual attitude, though many believe I do it all the time. Whatever, huh? I want to, at times, for the fear of being taken for granted. But I also dislike the idea of telling something just for the sake of it. Oh...

Dear, does one like a person more after knowing him/ her or does the attachment go on reducing??
Depends, and truly, I will be slapped, Bangalore or Delhi, I donot know. This again feels wrong, cos I know when both happen. When you are known, understood completely, the situation doesn't arise. When someone actually empathizes, there is no need for words. How I love those lyrics which say 'eyes convey more than words'. Sometimes, its not necessary to tell anything, and sometimes, all the words convey nothing at all. Words are easy to play with, but the emotions beneath are hard to be hidden. I do that quite often. Make idle talk, incessantly, that the other doesn't realize what you are going through. disclaimer: This cannot be used against people who know you well. But why would you want to anyways?

The kid

A kid actually came to me today:)
Now, I am not the types who will indulge in playing with kids whenever any kid is nearby. But dunno why, this kid came to me while we were to enter landmark and held my knees. Must be some 3 yrs old kid. I am increasing her age, since they don't mind it, at that age. I held her and carried her for a while. Whenever she looked at me, she gave a shout of joy and laughed. I was basking in the admiration and was speaking to her, atleast trying to. Finally gave her to her dad and told her a bye. I would like to think that she went back to her dad with some reluctance.;) But she didn't yearn to go atleast.:)
Its a different story altogether that i kept talking about it for an hour and now on the blog too. Yeaaahhh.. Me so happy. A kid came to me.

Hypocrisy

hypocrisy needn't always be the obvious way like the one of the netas not practicing what they promise. At a personal level, it could mean a lot of things. It could mean, how one would chide a friend for maintaining distance, when secretly thats exactly what he/she is doing, or wants to do at least. It could mean making a lot of fuss over the usage of swear words, when one has the urge to use it himself/herself when driven to the wall. It could mean having this large(or should it be small?) ego which prevents one from emulating some things, though admired, just for the reason of being unique. It is thinking of every giggling girl as girlish and not acknowledging that you are just that. It includes not able to tell your relatives you are not what they think you to be and admire you for. It is not able to tell people around you that you are not what they think you to be.....a lot more..